me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
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The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????