this is the best day of my life
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REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that