6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
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Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”