I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
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They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Breaking news:
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
So creative 😂
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee