I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that