“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
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My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.