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π’βͺοΈβͺοΈπ‘βͺοΈ
π‘βͺοΈπ§βͺοΈπ’
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βͺοΈπ’π‘βͺοΈπ§
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π’βͺοΈπ‘π§βͺοΈ
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π§π’βͺοΈπ‘π’not wordle, just some fried rice βΊοΈ
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[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I am crying
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
it must be school picture day
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. Itβs a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. βThis is not for you,β says my cat.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
For once Iβd like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when Iβm being identified in a police lineup.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
βI enjoy long walks…β
-Zombies
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot