Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
You Might Also Like
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
everyone has that one prude friend
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.