its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead