Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
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[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose