A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
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hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
My patience has stretch marks.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.