I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.