Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
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When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.