Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
uh oh
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible