WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
What a year we’ve had this week.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?