Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?