[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
You Might Also Like
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Got ya covered
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.