My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
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An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Meeeee too!
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband