This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!