Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Ooops wrong house😂😜
had to make it
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.