things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
every single time
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5