I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
found my next D&D character name
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.