Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
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Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.