A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
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I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Monday
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
the red hot silly peppers
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I gave up going to work for lent.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”