[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
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“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen