My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…