I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?