You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
*sewing*
A thread
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary