every. time.
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.