[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
hackers play passwordle
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.