Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
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There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: