4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
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*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
This is always good for a laugh.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.