My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
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Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8