ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
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Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
*pronounces patio like ratio