“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”