I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Nothing to do, you say?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*