a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
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Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
we’re gonna need another temp
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.