Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”