me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Quadruple digit IQ
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.