I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Something Saturday.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password ex…
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.