YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off