I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
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*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
This hospital has everything
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.