Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women