Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
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I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.