The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going