Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
You Might Also Like
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one