Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him