*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
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You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you