I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
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I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off