When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Still cracks me up
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.